Silence Carved Scars
by Griselda Banks
Summary: Oneshot. Not a songfic. "That's the name we've long held back from the core of truth. So don't turn away now. I am turning in revolution. These are the scars that silence carved on me." "The same place...no, not the same place we've been before..."


**Author's Note: This is what happens when I write "To Have, to Hold," read "Gold from Lead" by Bookwrm389, and think about it all while listening to "Gravity" by Vienna Teng. (By the way, I would _highly_ recommend that you find that song on YouTube or whatever once you've finished reading. Not only is it an absolutely gorgeous song, the words also fit in a wonderfully poetic way.)**

**As I've said before, my intention is never to purposefully offend or hurt anyone's feelings. But if I do, I'm not going to apologize because, as Brad Stine would say, "The truth is _supposed_ to offend you; that's how you know you don't got it." XD Also, I feel I should note that the one instance of profanity in this fic was _not_ included lightly. I never use swear words myself, and I always feel dirty and awkward when I even write them, even in the voice of characters like these. The only reason I would ever write that word would be in a context like this, so don't think I'm just throwing it out there flippantly.**

**The cover art (which I think captures the characters' emotions perfectly) can be found here: bezawesome dot deviantart dot com / art / FMA-Silence-Carved-Scars-2-NO-yaoi-283869446  
><strong>

_Hey, love  
>I am a constant satellite<br>Of your blazing sun  
>My love<br>I'll be your law of gravity  
>This is the fate you've carved on me<br>The law of gravity  
>This is the fate you've carved on me<br>On me_

_- "Gravity" by Vienna Teng_

_For feathersnow, who encouraged me to take the plunge_

Roy Mustang started when he realized that he hadn't seen Edward Elric for three solid months. He quickly returned to his work, since the door to the outer office was open and he didn't want Hawkeye to think he'd been drowsing, but he kept turning this realization around in his mind.

It wasn't quite as ominous as it sounded. Edward's missions often took weeks to complete, and then there would be further detours as they returned to Risenpool for repairs or followed unexpected leads that couldn't be delayed. And Edward had been sending in reports, calling the office, even dropping by once or twice. But it always seemed to happen when Roy was out, so he hadn't seen so much as a fold of red cloth for a long time. He was used to the long delays, but Roy didn't think he'd ever gone this long without seeing Edward at _all._

It was another shock to realize that he actually _missed_ the brat. Having Edward around all the time would have been a nightmare and a half, but even though they always devolved into immature shouting matches, Edward's visits had become an integral part of his life. No one else in the office was so easily teased, nor so full of life and excitement and anger and impropriety. It eased the drudgery of day-to-day office work, to be able to spend an hour talking to someone that he didn't have to suck up to or maintain a positive working relationship with. Edward was the only one in the entire military like that.

At the end of the day, when they crossed the parade grounds together to go home, Roy confided in Hawkeye. She was the only one he felt he could express his thoughts to, because she was the only one who wouldn't brush them aside or laugh at them. "I feel like he's...avoiding me," he finished. "Am I overreacting, Lieutenant?"

"Possibly," she said thoughtfully, frowning at the ground passing beneath her feet. "But now that you mention it, I _have_ noticed something...odd about Edward."

Roy's ears perked up. "Oh?"

"When he came by the office last week, he called first to see if you were in. He actually asked for the time you usually go to the cafeteria; I assumed he wanted to make sure he wouldn't miss you, but then he dropped off his report right in the middle of your lunch hour. Other times, he's seemed...relieved when he found out you weren't in the office."

Roy absorbed this new information with confusion. "Are you saying he's afraid to come face-to-face with me? What, did he do something I don't know about, and he thinks I'll get angry?"

"I...wouldn't say that." The two came to a stop at the outer gate of Headquarters, and Hawkeye turned to face her superior. "I think he's afraid of _you._"

Roy stared at her. He knew Hawkeye was an excellent judge of character; the Hawk's Eye was useful for more than just sighting targets. "But why would he be _afraid_ of me? I mean, I know he doesn't like me very much, but...that's never stopped him before. What changed?"

"I don't know, sir. But I think it's time you found out."

* * *

><p>And so, the next time the Elric brothers came through, Hawkeye arranged a confrontation. When Edward called to confirm the times Roy would be in the office, Hawkeye promised Roy to keep the men in the cafeteria for an hour, adding that she would bring him a sandwich. Roy watched her return to her desk with a fond smirk; Hawkeye thought of everything. But his smirk slid away as his thoughts turned to the upcoming meeting with Edward. What was he going to say? You could never predict what the Full Metal Alchemist was going to do, so you could never prepare for him.<p>

But he thought the sight of Edward, ranting and raving as always, would be worth the risk.

When his subordinates filed out at noon, chattering cheerfully as usual, Roy got to his feet and crossed impatiently to a window, gazing out at the overcast sky that hovered over the city like a bad omen. He hadn't been standing there long when he heard the tell-tale sound of the outer door being stealthily opened. Then came the sound of footsteps, tentative at first and then speeding up when their owner saw a straight shot to Roy's desk.

"There you are, Full Metal." Roy turned and saw the boy frozen in the middle of the office.

The pleasure of such a familiar sight was mitigated by how warily Edward was eying his approach. Hawkeye was right; the kid _did_ look scared. "Haven't seen you in a while," Roy said, trying to ease the tension in the air with a familiar jab. "Guess I should've lowered my line of vision."

Edward didn't even seem to hear him; he circled away, toward the desk. "I just came by to leave my report," he said, holding up the folded piece of paper like a talisman. "I gotta be somewhere, okay?"

He set the paper down and started for the door again, but Roy got there first. "I don't think so." Closing the door firmly, he locked them into the inner office and pocketed the key. "I'd like some answers first."

Edward was staring at him with slowly-dawning horror, which unnerved Roy more than he would like to admit. What was going on?

"You've been avoiding me," he began sternly, intending to get right down to the bottom of this without beating around the bush. "Why?"

"I...I haven't," Edward said feebly, averting his eyes.

Roy took a step closer. "I haven't seen you in _three months,_ Full Metal. Am I really so unbearable that you can't even stand me for an hour once every few weeks? Or are you hiding something?"

When he took another step, Edward whipped his gaze up and stumbled away from him. "Wh-What're you talking about, Mustang? You're crazy."

Confused, Roy took another few steps and watched as Edward retreated with increasing desperation, till his back hit the wall. "If you're ashamed of something, then out with it! Or if it's something I've done, tell me so I can at least apologize!"

But when he took another step, reaching out to grip Edward's arm, something seemed to snap in those fearful golden eyes. "Stay back!" Edward yelled, knocking his hand aside. "D-Don't come near me!"

Roy gritted his teeth, trying to be patient. He wasn't very successful. "What's gotten into you, Edward? I'm only trying to help, but if you don't cooperate-"

This time, when Roy reached out, Edward let out a wordless cry and swiped wildly at him with his automail fist. Roy dodged back out of the way, ire rising. What was the kid trying to pull? This reaction was completely out of proportion to the situation. "Full Metal, if you raise your hand against me again, I'll have you-"

"I knew it!" Edward yelled, clapping his hands.

Roy hastily retreated as the razor-sharp blade sprang up from the automail, and a stunned thought skittered through his brain: _He's attacking me. Full Metal is actually _attacking_ me. _This wasn't just some bickering about height and authority; the boy was acting the way he always did when cornered by a dangerous enemy. But then all of his shocked questions vanished, to be replaced with battle strategies, as Edward charged.

As always, Roy had a pair of ignition-cloth gloves in his pocket, but when he pulled them on and dodged the next thrust of Edward's blade, he realized he wouldn't be able to use them. Practically everything in this room was flammable, and he didn't like to think of all the extra paperwork he'd have to fill out if he had to get new furniture. But without his swift alchemy, he was no match for the Full Metal Alchemist. Edward could transmute anything with a mere clap of his hands, not to mention wielding a deadly blade when Roy's only other weapons were a blunt letter opener and a gun, which would be too dangerous in such cramped quarters.

And his private office just wasn't _big_ enough to accommodate this fight. Roy dodged Edward's wild attacks as long as he could, but after only a few paces, Roy ran into the other wall. Edward, seeing his predicament, charged forward, but Roy thought fast and kicked him in the right shin. Edward let out a yelp, and Roy managed to duck to the side.

As he raced back past the door, Roy acted on a burst of inspiration and grabbed the umbrella leaning against the wall in the corner, then whirled to catch the automail blade before it decapitated him. The blade cut easily through the material, of course, but the metal rod would stop it for a while. Roy desperately fended off Edward's attacks, and as he did so he noticed how wide they were. Every time Edward swung his arm back for another stroke, the soft leather of his synthetic armpit was exposed to the air.

Before he could consider any further, Edward swung his arm back again and Roy snapped his fingers. A tiny, precise spark shot through the air and caught on the leather. At Roy's coaxing, fire burst up around the spark, shooting down through the oiled innards of Edward's arm. Before the boy could do anything but gape in surprise, his right arm sagged uselessly at his side as the scent of burnt rubber coiled through the air.

Seizing his chance, Roy kicked the stunned Edward's legs out from under him and slammed into his shoulder, knocking the boy to the floor with a _thump._ Then, before Edward could even think about getting back up, Roy pinned him to the floor by the shoulders. With a gasp, Edward began to struggle with all his might, managing to shove his knee into Mustang's stomach. Growling irritably at the burst of pain, Roy straddled him to keep him still.

But Edward kept bucking and twisting from side to side, the fingers of his left hand feebly scratching at Roy's grip as he tried to kick him in the back. "Knock it..._off_...Full Metal!" Roy gasped. It was surprisingly hard to keep a scrawny fourteen-year-old still. "I'm not...going to hurt you...if you just...hold still!"

"No!" Edward whimpered – he actually _whimpered._ "Please...please don't...I-I don't want...please..."

Roy watched in shock at the way Edward's eyes whipped around, as though seeking for some escape or some source of help. The boy was _terrified._

He didn't understand, but he got up all the same. As soon as his weight lifted from Edward's shoulders, the boy rolled over and scrambled to the corner, where he curled himself up into a ball with his left arm over his head, his right arm scraping along the floor. Something was wrong, much worse than he'd suspected at first. What was going on? This wasn't the Edward Elric he knew.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Roy said, pulling off his gloves. Edward peeked out at him, so to prove his point Roy ripped his gloves into shreds, then unbuckled his gun from his belt and laid it on his desk. Then he slowly walked out of reach of his weapons, holding his hands out to show that he was unarmed. "Now tell me what's going on."

Edward let out a harsh, mirthless laugh and didn't emerge from his corner. "As if you didn't know." Seeing Roy's confused look, he added, "What? All of East City knows, so how could you think I wouldn't find out eventually? I might not be around all the time, but I can still hear things."

Now he was _really_ confused. "All of East City? What are you talking about?"

"Oh, so you're gonna take that tack, are you?" Edward snarled. At least when he was angry he looked normal. "Stop pretending, you coward! I trusted you. I _trusted _you!"

Roy was even more confused when he noticed that, through the red-faced glare, tears were filling Edward's eyes. "What did I do?" Roy asked, throwing up his hands. "I have no idea what you're talking about, so I can't even-"

"Shut up." Edward was definitely crying now, tears streaming down even as he continued to glare. "You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about. Rogers told me that day. He told me everything."

"Rogers? The soldier you confronted, who went AWOL?" Casting his mind back, Roy wondered if that had been the last mission Edward had undertaken before he'd started avoiding Roy.

"Yeah, but I could've found out from anybody, 'cause it's all over Headquarters. I can't believe I didn't hear it before, you hypocritical, lying..."

Roy clenched his teeth. "What did he say?"

"He told me all about you. Why you _really_ brought me under your command. How you hide behind your rank because then I can't accuse you since it's the word of a major against a colonel. 'Everyone wants to know,' he said. 'What really goes on behind those doors after you hand in a report? You seem to be in his office for such a _long_ time. And I've seen the way he looks at you. You're very _close,_ aren't you?'Well, I don't want to be _close_ to you, you sick _***!_"

And suddenly, it all made sense. Cold realization exploded in the pit of Roy's stomach, and he took an involuntary step backwards. There were many people in the military who resented him for rising up the ranks so fast when he was so young, but the only way any of them could retaliate was through malicious rumors. He'd heard these rumors ever since Edward had first joined the military, but he'd been able to brush them off and even ignore them, till by now he had practically forgotten them. Most men in the military would be too ashamed to repeat such rumors right to Edward's face, but Rogers had demonstrated long ago that he didn't put much store by propriety. And nothing in Edward's report after turning Rogers in had indicated anything like this, so Roy had blithely thought nothing of it. It had never occurred to him that one day, Edward was bound to hear the rumors...and wonder if they were true.

At first, the only thing Roy could do was scrub his hands over his face and murmur, "Edward..."

The boy flinched with a muffled, shuddering sob and tried to curl more tightly on himself.

Roy took a step forward. "Don't believe those lies." But no matter how gently he tried to speak, he only made Edward withdraw even further. It felt as though they were drifting apart, like two planets that had once traveled the same orbit yet now spiraled away from each other into cold, empty space. And he realized that the only way to keep that small orb from veering off into oblivion was to create a sun so brilliant and warm that it would pull him back.

With a sigh, Roy sank to his knees, though he kept out of reach just in case. "I _do_ love you, Edward."

The boy whipped his head around with such a stricken, betrayed expression that his eyes felt like daggers boring into Roy's chest. Roy forced himself to gaze back, to not let Edward look away. "But _not_ in that way. Trust me, I like _women._" He smirked. "And with all the beautiful women in the east, why on earth would I go for a bratty pipsqueak like you?"

For the second time in living memory, Edward didn't rise to the bait. A faint, hopeful smile hovered on his shaking lips, and he didn't turn away again.

As much as Roy wanted them to be clear on this point once and for all, he began to feel awkward. He wasn't accustomed to talking to Edward like this, though he realized it was probably necessary. "For you, I feel...I don't know, like an older brother I guess."

Edward muttered something so low that Roy had to lean in to hear: "Or like a father?"

The world seemed frozen in time as their eyes met, as though the sun stood still in the sky. Now Roy understood the underlying pain when Edward had said, _I trusted you._ "Yeah, kid," he murmured. He reached out to place a hand on Edward's head, and this time the boy didn't shy away. "Like a father."


End file.
